La Belle
France! Home of Voltaire, Joan of Arc,
Claude Monet, Rene Artois, and the language of love. On my trip to Ely Farmers Market I was
intrigued to find a visiting French market too, so I had to indulge in a sample
of their sausage – and that means Toulouse.
We’ve rated Toulouse sausages before, and usually liked them quite a
lot, especially that of the Fruitpig Company, which is the only sausage that
has inspired me to poetry: REVIEW-AND-POEM . So all was looking good for the Entente
Cordiale....right up to the point that I actually had to interact with Jacques (made-up
name) the sausage seller (lucky number 1914 and 1939, star sign Le Coquin, “The
Cock”).
The sausage
was rather expensive, and the Frenchie behind the counter gruffly demanded “Two
twenty”, without a please or a s’il vous plait in sight. Bad manners is a national characteristic of
the french, so I attempted to make a joke of it. I rifled my pockets and found that I had
exactly £2.19 in loose change – offered it in an outstretched palm and asked “Two
nineteen for cash?”
“Two
twenty.”
No please,
no hint of humour, just surly bad attitude.
Now I’m a
very easy-going young man, but this really riled me. I paid up and left grumpy frenchie behind,
pondering why his forebears hadn’t displayed such stubborn-ness in 1914 or
1940. This isn’t the first example of modern
frenchies showing a vastly greater degree of combativeness than their grand-peres
of course....
Mind you,
he’s not the only one....
In Cantona’s
case he was probably hoping to wind up in a P.O.W camp for the next few years,
out of the firing line, instead he was simply banned from playing football for
nine months. But can you blame him? Things generally go wrong when Les Frogs go
into battle, especially against us English....a quick scan of some latest
results reveals....roll vide-printer....
Battle of
Crecy (1346) – Dead Frenchies 8,000, Dead Englishmen 300 (at most)
Battle of
Agincourt (1415) – Dead Frenchies 10.000, Dead Englishmen 112
Battle of
Waterloo (1815) – Dead frenchies 40,000, Dead Englishmen 3,500
Waterloo
was an improved performance by the cheese-eating surrender monkeys, but marked
the final time that Les Bleus would actually stand and fight in any meaningful
way to defend their country. Instead
they determined to take on their bogey side England “by proxy”, and equip
England’s enemies with the arms and ammunition needed to take a cowardly
sucker-punch at their old adversary.
French-made Exocet missiles, carried by French-made Mirage jets, were
responsible for the vast majority of British losses during the Falklands
conflict in 1982.
At least
the french are more successful when it comes to creative activities, and have
produced some half-decent artists and poets in their time. The architecture is generally easy on the
eye, but labour costs are extortionate due to the punitive tax regime in place –
indeed the only thing that goes up faster than French taxes is a French soldier’s
hands in battle. And despite the
misleading myth that French roads are lined with trees to make them look more
attractive, the real reason is so that German soldiers can march on them in the
shade.
It’s not
all bad for France. Their national
anthem is my favourite of all the world’s anthems. Shame that their national costume of stripey
shirt, beret and mask makes them look like camp burglars. But enough of this historically accurate
examination of the country, how did Monsieur Morose’s sausage rate?
Meat
Content:
Unknown. The stall signage didn’t tell and there was
no point asking the stroppy patron. The
sausage was solid though, so there was definitely meat present, although it may
not have been pork I guess? If this was
indeed horsemeat then it was definitely carved from a rocking horse, dense and
thick. Not too bad. But super-solid, bound together firmer than
Old Man Steptoe’s lower colon after an omelette for breakfast.
Flavour:
Quite juicy
despite the lack of pull-apart-ability.
Garlic-y, d’accord, but not as in your face as I’d expected. Richly herby, many flavours try to push to
the forefront, giving a “quite nice” overall taste. Not totally hee-hawful.
Texture:
Very dense,
very solid, extremely log-like. Not easy
to stick a fork in!
Shrinkage:
Average
weight uncooked - 178g
Average
weight cooked - 134g
Shrinkage -
25%
A monster
of a thing uncooked, and still huge afterwards.
Losing a quarter of paid-for weight is never a good thing though.
Value For
Money:
£2.20 for
ONE sausage, weighing 178g - this works out as a price of £12.00 per kg, and of
course £2.20 per snorker. Absolutely
BLOODY AWFUL value for money, AVOID AT ALL COSTS.
And Finally,
Esther:
Another
well-balanced Rate My Sausage review added to the archives. Next week, Pork & Leek from Edis of Ely....
