Miserable Frenchie Market Trader - Ely Farmers Market - Toulouse Sausage

La Belle France!  Home of Voltaire, Joan of Arc, Claude Monet, Rene Artois, and the language of love.  On my trip to Ely Farmers Market I was intrigued to find a visiting French market too, so I had to indulge in a sample of their sausage – and that means Toulouse.  We’ve rated Toulouse sausages before, and usually liked them quite a lot, especially that of the Fruitpig Company, which is the only sausage that has inspired me to poetry:  REVIEW-AND-POEM .  So all was looking good for the Entente Cordiale....right up to the point that I actually had to interact with Jacques (made-up name) the sausage seller (lucky number 1914 and 1939, star sign Le Coquin, “The Cock”).

The sausage was rather expensive, and the Frenchie behind the counter gruffly demanded “Two twenty”, without a please or a s’il vous plait in sight.  Bad manners is a national characteristic of the french, so I attempted to make a joke of it.  I rifled my pockets and found that I had exactly £2.19 in loose change – offered it in an outstretched palm and asked “Two nineteen for cash?”

“Two twenty.” 

No please, no hint of humour, just surly bad attitude.

Now I’m a very easy-going young man, but this really riled me.  I paid up and left grumpy frenchie behind, pondering why his forebears hadn’t displayed such stubborn-ness in 1914 or 1940.  This isn’t the first example of modern frenchies showing a vastly greater degree of combativeness than their grand-peres of course....

Mind you, he’s not the only one....

In Cantona’s case he was probably hoping to wind up in a P.O.W camp for the next few years, out of the firing line, instead he was simply banned from playing football for nine months.  But can you blame him?  Things generally go wrong when Les Frogs go into battle, especially against us English....a quick scan of some latest results reveals....roll vide-printer....

Battle of Crecy (1346) – Dead Frenchies 8,000, Dead Englishmen 300 (at most)

Battle of Agincourt (1415) – Dead Frenchies 10.000, Dead Englishmen 112

Battle of Waterloo (1815) – Dead frenchies 40,000, Dead Englishmen 3,500

Waterloo was an improved performance by the cheese-eating surrender monkeys, but marked the final time that Les Bleus would actually stand and fight in any meaningful way to defend their country.  Instead they determined to take on their bogey side England “by proxy”, and equip England’s enemies with the arms and ammunition needed to take a cowardly sucker-punch at their old adversary.  French-made Exocet missiles, carried by French-made Mirage jets, were responsible for the vast majority of British losses during the Falklands conflict in 1982. 

At least the french are more successful when it comes to creative activities, and have produced some half-decent artists and poets in their time.  The architecture is generally easy on the eye, but labour costs are extortionate due to the punitive tax regime in place – indeed the only thing that goes up faster than French taxes is a French soldier’s hands in battle.  And despite the misleading myth that French roads are lined with trees to make them look more attractive, the real reason is so that German soldiers can march on them in the shade.

It’s not all bad for France.  Their national anthem is my favourite of all the world’s anthems.  Shame that their national costume of stripey shirt, beret and mask makes them look like camp burglars.  But enough of this historically accurate examination of the country, how did Monsieur Morose’s sausage rate?

Meat Content:

Unknown.  The stall signage didn’t tell and there was no point asking the stroppy patron.  The sausage was solid though, so there was definitely meat present, although it may not have been pork I guess?  If this was indeed horsemeat then it was definitely carved from a rocking horse, dense and thick.  Not too bad.  But super-solid, bound together firmer than Old Man Steptoe’s lower colon after an omelette for breakfast.

Flavour:

Quite juicy despite the lack of pull-apart-ability.  Garlic-y, d’accord, but not as in your face as I’d expected.  Richly herby, many flavours try to push to the forefront, giving a “quite nice” overall taste.  Not totally hee-hawful.

Texture:

Very dense, very solid, extremely log-like.  Not easy to stick a fork in!

Shrinkage: 

Average weight uncooked - 178g

Average weight cooked - 134g

Shrinkage - 25%

A monster of a thing uncooked, and still huge afterwards.  Losing a quarter of paid-for weight is never a good thing though.

Value For Money:

£2.20 for ONE sausage, weighing 178g - this works out as a price of £12.00 per kg, and of course £2.20 per snorker.  Absolutely BLOODY AWFUL value for money, AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

And Finally, Esther:

Another well-balanced Rate My Sausage review added to the archives.  Next week, Pork & Leek from Edis of Ely....